SELF-HATRED IN GRENDEL

by Breeanna Greska

In Grendel, by John Gardner, one major theme is self-hatred.  The text suggests that self-hatred can result in an inferiority complex, as well as depression.  Loneliness and unhappiness, as well as isolation and depression contribute to self-hatred, and Grendel experiences all of these.
           
Liking yourself is essential to discovering who you are as well as pushing yourself to go farther.  Without self esteem, you have no reason to go on.  Grendel, because he is only part human, finds himself having human thoughts and emotions.  The thoughts fill his head, which fills him with self-hatred. These emotions and thoughts show that he feels sorry for himself. “I cry, and hug myself, and laugh, letting out salt tears, till I fall down gasping and sobbing.” Grendel, lacking complete confidence because of the self pity he wallows in, allows self-hatred to take over his body. 
           
Having others like you is also an essential need for personal growth and to live in the world.  It has been proven that when someone is completely isolated and liked by no one, they are more likely to commit suicide, which indicates self-hatred.  With no one to identify with you, no one to experience life with you, you begin to feel as if there is no reason.  “’Poor Grendel will hang here and starve to death’, I told myself, ’and no one will ever even miss him!’ The thought enraged me.”  Grendel is rejected because he does not fit in at home because he is not all monster, and does not fit in outside of home because he is not all human.  As a result, no one likes Grendel, he has no friends, and the rejection he endures here, causes self-hatred.  The text reminds me of a time when I had a horrible breakup, and I felt as if no one liked me or would ever like me again.  It reinforces thoughts of fear, loneliness, and complete and utter depression. 
           
Often being subjected to depression and rejection will cause you to feel as if you are entirely alone in the world.  Being a part of this world, feeling as if you have some sort of meaning to be here, is essential to living a full life, essential to wanting to live period.  “I understood that, finally and absolutely, I alone exist.”  This shows that Grendel truly does have no one.  Grendel doesn’t even have his mother, and having never developed a mother-son relationship, he never grew up loving anyone which definitely makes him feel alone, and causes even more self-hatred.  In this situation, I’d ask, “If I’m all alone in this world, what reason is there for me to go on?” Self-hatred would then take over.
           
People with self-hatred are usually also described as having low self-esteem.  They are misunderstood, rejected, and struggle against life.  Grendel deals with all of this every day.  He has never had love in his life, he has never been taught right from wrong.  Grendel has no one, and so many years of being alone, just continue to cause more and more self-hatred.