DISCOVERING ONE'S PLACE IN THE WORLD

by Patricia Soto

In Grendel, by John Gardener, one major theme is the discovery and understanding of one's place in the world. As Grendel explores the outside world beyond his cave, he realizes that he does not belong or fit in the unfamiliar world he encounters. It seems anyone else would have accepted this or formed an identity for themselves so they would feel they belong. But Grendel doesn't do this, and in that process of self-discovery, realizes that he belongs nowhere.
           
The world would seem to some to be a cold, cruel place. The devastation of discovering loss and breathing this air is a great one. However, upon first entering the world, one finds joy in living, in discovery. Curiosity plays a major factor in character building. Grendel was curious as a young monster, still trying to find his place. "So childhood too feels good at first, before one happens to notice the terrible sameness, age after age." Here Grendel realizes that after a certain point, he can only discover so much. Then he realizes that life itself is a pattern and the experiences are the same as before, while he remains forever stuck in a never ending cycle of mediocrity. 
           
Finding purpose in one's life is difficult, especially if you have no guidance or support from anyone. Grendel is up on the outside world and while observing the stars, he comes to this conclusion: "Stars, spattered out through lifeless nights from end to end, like jewels scattered in a dead king's grave, tease, torment my wits toward meaningless patterns that do not exist." With this passage, Grendel realizes that a life with a purpose is only a tease, and that his existence is really just a meaningless pattern. He has tormented himself with the idea that perhaps he belongs, that perhaps he has a purpose and was given life for a reason.
           
There comes a point in everyone's life when they realize something important about life, something that changes their whole outlook on and mentality. This revelation can either make or break you; most of the time, though, it will leave you powerless and defenseless. It is while Grendel is stuck in the tree that he realizes that he exists and nothing else.  "I understood that the world was nothing: a mechanical chaos of casual brute, enmity on which we stupidly impose our hopes and fears. I understood that, finally and absolutely, I alone exist." It is here that Grendel realizes his existence, along with everyone else's, is pointless.
           
Because Grendel had no one to relate to, or even share and impart his thoughts with, he felt alone and worthless. He felt like there was no point in living, and existence itself is only short-lived. You are alive, you exist, and nothing more. To be living is to exist with purpose, and to be alive is to breathe and take up space. That's how Grendel felt. That is what he discovered about the world and his place in it; that it's all pointlessness.